AUTOBIOGRAPHY
2024
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Growing up in a family with intricate dynamics, I was born into a world where love mingled with complexities, hidden behind closed doors. Describing my family has always been a challenge, outwardly, it portrayed an image of functionality, happiness, and unity. Yet within those walls lay a web of dysfunction, full of hurdles and issues that shaped my childhood. However, delving into these hidden truths always provokes strong feelings of guilt, as if I am being privileged or spoilt. Many of my childhood memories remain foggy, as if I've unconsciously blocked them out to shield myself from the unhappy memories that would cloud and overpower the good. What I do recall are the echoes of fights and screams, a constant soundtrack to my childhood, with most of the conflicts revolving around my brother, Kaleb. He was the stereotypical older brother bully, picking on me throughout my childhood, leaving behind issues that the older I get, seem to come out more and more. While fighting with my sister was less common as she was younger, yet it would still happen on occasion.
Despite my parents saying they were ‘unbiased’ I could see the favoritism that walked around the house. It often seemed that Kaleb couldn’t do wrong, his aggression overlooked or brushed aside, while I bore the brunt of his actions, often finding myself in trouble for merely expressing the emotions his bullying elicited. The inconsistent discipline only added to the tensions simmering beneath the surface, further alienating me from the notion of family harmony.
My childhood was split in two sections, living at Rokeby Court and moving to Canungra. While the house itself and location at Rokeby was better than Canungra, the memories within its walls are tainted by the constant racket of yelling and screaming that filled the air. Despite being a nice and protected house, it was a place where peace was a scarce commodity, overshadowed by the dysfunction that defined our family dynamic. The transition to Canungra in 2014 marked a new chapter, although one full of challenges. From makeshift nights in a donga to the bare bones of a shed, our living conditions strained our family relationship. At the beginning of shed life basic bathing and cooking requirements were makeshift and or outside in the freezing cold winter or sweltering dry heat of summer. Despite this time being chaotic I don't remember too much with my sister, it does make me sad to say and sadder because I don't even know why. Regardless of our fights it was nothing compared to the way Kaleb and I would go at each other.
My Mum's role as a stay-at-home parent, her parts in my father's business’s he had over the years as well as him working away for periods of time added another layer of complexity to our family dynamic. Despite the challenges we faced, there were moments of connection and resilience that showed that our family could be functional and happy. I think as a whole group we are slowly getting there and in more time we may get to a stage where we are finally all happy.
I matured at a early age, its been one of the things I've always been told. “Vegas you think like an adult”, “What made you so mature, you analyse things like an adult” - It was many things that made me mature, home life, my entire schooling experience, social trauma. It was mostly from school to be honest; I was forced to build resilience to things that a kid that age shouldn't have to deal with. My self-esteem and confidence were torn down many times throughout school, from people I hated to people (at the time) I thought were my closest friends. These experiences, among many more, taught me to be closed off and in turn has made me a private person that hides the true emotions or pain with a facade of happiness and humor. I would not say my schooling was a pleasant experience, especially Silkwood being the only example of a high school that I have. I feel as though I missed out on a lot of public high school experiences as well as very much limiting the social opportunities to make new friends because of how small the school is.
I started working at an early age because of Ginja Ninja being a family business I was legally able to work before the 14 years 9 months age requirement. At this time, I was starting to go out more often without parents so I would need my own money for things, in turn this made my parents pressure me into starting to work so I wouldn't need to ask for money every time I went out. The pressure to achieve was also showed in my schooling, I had completed a certificate III by the end of year 9, a year and a half earlier than everyone else. After that, I was pressured to find a more long term career choice than hospitality which in the long term has lead to my graphic design study. It feels like I was pressured to succeed otherwise if I didnt succeed, or didn't start hardcore saving money I was going to turn out to be a dropkick that will never amount to anything or never have any money and live pay check to pay check. Even though I know this isn't the case anymore it made lasting anxiety's around money and career, I think its actually quite sad that 17 year olds are so stressed about money and career choices because realistically a 17 year old is not going to know what they will want to do with their life or have enough saved for a house. I forget that I can breath and slow down a bit to save me stress, I don't have to be at such a fast pace all day every day, I have time to figure out what I want in my life, I don't need to freak out and decide before ive even lived a little. I... Have... Time...
My school experience has already been mentioned, but that was merely the tip of the iceberg. Overall, my schooling experience has been rough, not academically so much as socially. From a young age, I faced numerous challenges. Although I had friends, I was still subjected to bullying, which led to mental and social setbacks. I was bullied for aspects of myself that I hadn't even come to understand yet, leaving lasting and deep wounds that have greatly affected me. As a primary school student, I was a handful due to many behavioral and learning difficulties. With growing older and having teacher's that understood me, these difficulties did slowly fade, but it felt as though those hurdles were merely replaced by new, more challenging ones. The work became significantly harder, the pressure to excel in projects and find my path increased, and social issues came up more and more, which I found to be the hardest to overcome. The social challenges have been the most emotional, and difficult to overcome let alone the lasting impact on myself. Throughout my schooling, I often found myself tangled in trio friendship groups, despite knowing trios rarely work out. There always seemed to be someone feeling left out, overlooked, or betrayed, and unfortunately, that person was usually me. I am not sure if this was a coincidence or because I was often the last to join these groups. Regardless of the reasons, I consistently found myself at the end of the drama, feeling alone, hurt, and deeply betrayed. These experiences have made it increasingly difficult for me to trust new friends, as I am constantly afraid of my issues or who I am being used against me as a result.
There are so many friends I look back on and wondering where it all went wrong, people I had grown up around for years and thought was going to be in my life for a very long time. It turns out that they have seemed to be the people that hurt and betrayed me the most. Even when those friendships came to an end and I was hurt and angry I still never considered releasing their secrets or sensitive things to everyone else let alone using it to directly insult them, yet they all did it to me. Sadly the one that hurt the most was also made the most public and it destroyed me inside. These experiences have taught me painful but valuable lessons about trust and the fragility of friendships. It has also made me more resilient, even though the emotional scars remain. Navigating the complexities of social interactions and dealing with toxic people has been a significant part of my personal growth, albeit a painful one. While I have become more cautious about whom I let into my inner circle, I also cherish the genuine connections I have even more deeply.
In the past year my cousin jade and I have grown exponentially closer, she has become one of my best friends as I her. We weren't always as close as she lived on and off with Nanny and we just lived very separate lives, however as we have both matured and grown into the same interest we bonded. Ill forever be so grateful for having her in my life, in fact some of my happiest memories recently have been with her and Dylan on our little adventures. One thing that Jade and I really bonded over was food, we loved going on adventures together to find cool, funky, trendy eats and restaurants all over southeast Queensland and even into NSW. We love to go watch the sunrise, sunsets, and driving for hours through back roads into the hinterland to find beautiful mountain top lookouts, rock pools, waterfalls, or even down the coast to find a secluded, hidden beach somewhere to spend the day tanning and eating delicious picnic food we would find at local farmers markets. I dont think I could live with out Jade now, shes become my rock, I cherish our relationship the most. Part of why we have gotten so close I think is because she sees the rest of the family from an inside perspective, she knows what we are all really like so she understands. Its purely a perspective that any of my friends haven’t really gotten, so because of that shes become such a breath of fresh air from the family. She understands the emotions I feel when dealing with them sometimes and she always knows the perfect things to go do to take my mind off it.
In reflecting upon my journey, I realize that my life has been a tapestry of challenges, growth, and unexpected connections. The intricate dynamics within my family, marked by hidden dysfunction and favoritism, shaped my childhood in ways that continue to influence me. My early maturation and resilience stemmed not only from these familial complexities but also from a tumultuous school experience filled with social setbacks and betrayals. These experiences have carved deep emotional scars, making trust a fragile commodity and shaping me into a private, guarded individual.
However, amidst these challenges, I found solace in unexpected places. My bond with my cousin Jade has been a beacon of light, offering me understanding, companionship, and a sense of belonging that I have longed for. Our shared adventures and mutual understanding of family dynamics have solidified a friendship that I deeply cherish.
As I continue to navigate my path, I am learning to balance the pressure to succeed with the need to breathe and allow myself the time to figure out my desires and aspirations. The journey is ongoing, but I am hopeful that with time, my family and I can find a harmonious balance. Meanwhile, I hold tight to the genuine connections I have, knowing that these relationships provide the support and understanding that make the journey worthwhile.